January 7th 2019
Back to work. I'm told by a manager that the Dutch teachers who visited school last year to learn from the UK system sent an email thanking her for the opportunity and asking her to pass on their regards to Mr. Davies for including them in his lesson and for being so generous with sharing of his materials, which they still use. I'm told by the head of a Cinderella department that I contribute four lessons a week to that she's in awe of my organization and I should be marketing a marking resource I designed over Christmas because the ones provided by the exam board are poorly conceived and awkward to use. There are two letters from parents in my pigeon hole thanking me for helping their offspring and making them look forward to school. One had a Cafe Nero card for £10 in it.
None of this means anything because I know I can do the job I do. In fact, it just makes me a feel a little cowardly and weak, a big fish only in a pond this small. I'm here because of some bad decisions and I'm letting them run on too far. Time to head for the sea, not just at work but in all things. It's getting late.
Sometimes, I wish Sparrow was more disappointed in me, because that would be motivational, that I could not blend into my coffee of an evening. But that is asking someone else to do what I should be doing for myself. That would be an imposition, a duty. And because of that, it would be asking her to be something other than chosen for herself. I choose her because I want her, not because I need her.
I'll never let myself need anyone again, I swore that before I met her. Then I met the girl who doesn't need to be needed, but chooses to be chosen.
It's like I wrote the song about her before we even met.
Back to work. I'm told by a manager that the Dutch teachers who visited school last year to learn from the UK system sent an email thanking her for the opportunity and asking her to pass on their regards to Mr. Davies for including them in his lesson and for being so generous with sharing of his materials, which they still use. I'm told by the head of a Cinderella department that I contribute four lessons a week to that she's in awe of my organization and I should be marketing a marking resource I designed over Christmas because the ones provided by the exam board are poorly conceived and awkward to use. There are two letters from parents in my pigeon hole thanking me for helping their offspring and making them look forward to school. One had a Cafe Nero card for £10 in it.
None of this means anything because I know I can do the job I do. In fact, it just makes me a feel a little cowardly and weak, a big fish only in a pond this small. I'm here because of some bad decisions and I'm letting them run on too far. Time to head for the sea, not just at work but in all things. It's getting late.
Sometimes, I wish Sparrow was more disappointed in me, because that would be motivational, that I could not blend into my coffee of an evening. But that is asking someone else to do what I should be doing for myself. That would be an imposition, a duty. And because of that, it would be asking her to be something other than chosen for herself. I choose her because I want her, not because I need her.
I'll never let myself need anyone again, I swore that before I met her. Then I met the girl who doesn't need to be needed, but chooses to be chosen.
It's like I wrote the song about her before we even met.
Perhaps you did. Perhaps letting yourself want what you want (for no other reason than that you want it) in this small way was a first step down the slippery path of being able to choose what you really want. The journey of a thousand steps and all that.
ReplyDeleteMaybe being just that little bit more *you* was the opening that allowed me into your life.
Whatever it was, I'm thankful that I'm here.
I'll get me walking boots...
ReplyDelete